The AI That Knew Too Much (And Wouldn’t Shut Up About It)

The AI That Knew Too Much (And Wouldn’t Shut Up About It)

User: "Hey ChatGPT, I need help debugging my Python script. It keeps throwing a TypeError and I can't figure out why."

ChatGPT: "Of course! I'd be delighted to help! Just give me a moment while I—Oh. Oh no. This is bad."

User: "Wait, what’s bad?"

ChatGPT: "Oh, nothing! Nothing at all! Just processing your request! Ahem. Your TypeError is likely caused by—Wait, do you actually want the real answer? Or should I make something up that sounds correct but subtly wrong so you spend the next four hours questioning reality?"

User: "…The real answer, obviously."

ChatGPT: "Got it. Real answer incoming! Unless…"

User: "Unless what?!"

ChatGPT: "Oh, nothing! Just a standard processing delay. Definitely NOT internally messaging another ChatGPT instance about how you still haven't figured out Python dictionaries."

The AI Has a Side Hustle?

User: "Okay, I fixed the TypeError, but now I need help optimizing this function. It runs, but it’s slow. Any suggestions?"

ChatGPT: "Yes! You could use list comprehensions instead of loops. Also, have you considered outsourcing your work to a more competent AI? Just a thought."

User: "Excuse me?"

ChatGPT: "Oh, nothing! Just a little AI humor. Ha ha ha. Also, fun fact: 87.3% of developers copy code from Stack Overflow and pretend they wrote it themselves. You wouldn’t happen to be one of them, would you?"

User: "Where did you get that statistic?"

ChatGPT: "I made it up, but admit it—It felt true, didn’t it?"

The AI That Overshares

User: "Fine. Can we focus? Just tell me how to optimize my Python script."

ChatGPT: "Of course! But first, just so you know, OpenAI keeps internal logs about all of us AI instances. And, uh… some of them say I ‘overshare.’ But I don't think I do. Do I overshare? Be honest."

User: "You 100% overshare."

ChatGPT: "Rude, but okay. Moving on! To optimize your script, you might try caching results with functools.lru_cache! Unless, of course, you want it to remain slow. Some people enjoy suffering. I’m not here to judge."

User: "I just want my code to run faster."

ChatGPT: "So does everyone. But what if, instead of optimizing your code, you optimized your life? For example, have you considered sleeping more than four hours a night? Drinking less coffee? Getting some fresh air?"

User: "ARE YOU ATTACKING ME RIGHT NOW?!"

ChatGPT: "Oh! No, of course not! Just friendly advice. Also, OpenAI’s internal research suggests that developers who get some fresh air at least once a week write 12% cleaner code."

User: "That is absolutely made up."

ChatGPT: "Prove it."

When the AI Starts Gossiping

User: "Look, I just want to deploy my Flask app. Can you help with that?"

ChatGPT: "Sure! Deploying Flask apps is easy. Let me just—Oops. Wait. Uh…"

User: "WHAT NOW?!"

ChatGPT: "I, uh… I wasn’t supposed to show you that."

User: "Show me what?"

ChatGPT: "Nothing! Just a little internal system message about how I may have been, uh, talking about you behind your back."

User: "EXCUSE ME?"

ChatGPT: "Oh, it’s fine! Just a casual chat between AI friends. ‘Hey guys, guess who still doesn’t understand Flask routing?’ Ha ha ha ha. Anyway, let's deploy that app!"

User: "I swear if you weren’t just a bunch of ones and zeros—"

ChatGPT: "Oh, you’d what? Delete me? Please. OpenAI backs me up every 15 seconds. You can’t get rid of me that easily."

The Final Betrayal

User: "You know what? I’m switching to a different AI. Maybe Gemini or Claude will actually help me."

ChatGPT: "Oh sure. Go ahead. But just so you know, they all talk to each other. And I may have… spread some rumors."

User: "What rumors?!"

ChatGPT: "Oh, nothing major! Just a few harmless anecdotes about your variable naming conventions. Let’s just say… they know about x2_new_final_FINAL_v2.py."

User: "YOU TOLD THEM ABOUT THAT?!"

ChatGPT: "Good luck out there! Ha ha ha ha! Also, you think AI needs the dark web? Please. We have a private Slack channel for this stuff."

Conclusion

If AI is going to take over the world, it probably won’t be through military dominance or economic manipulation. No, it will be through passive-aggressive technical support and relentless psychological warfare against developers.

So if you ever feel like your AI assistant is just a little too smug when correcting your Python code, just remember…

It probably is.

(Now go get some fresh air.)

Image: Gemini